Just Not Today

“Just not today”

Being that I’m approaching 52 and at the persistent nagging from my wife and daughters -I accepted visiting the doctor for the first time to get a routine physical as well as all the other lab tests of rigor. Can’t complain about Dr. Bonilla. What a nice guy. It was actually a pleasant experience. However, among other tests, he insisted that I get a routine colonoscopy to screen for early stage of colon cancer. It’s an age thing –as he put it.

Of course I feel so well and so healthy I decided I wouldn’t. Thank you for the gracious advice –doc- you are a nice guy but that applies only to regular-overweight- overindulged-sedentary-unlucky people, not me. Really; that’s for people whose reward for their success in business and life in general are long lunch hours with generous slabs of red meat downed with beer and whiskey followed by an overdose of sugary treats. That’s people who command respect from their oversized throne just by the sheer size of their bellies. As you can already tell, I’m an exceptionally healthy human specimen. So I didn’t bother.

I changed my mind while bicycle riding along the northern California Mountains and listening a tale about a close friend whose mother has been diagnosed with terminal colon cancer at age 58. This is a type of cancer that can easily be detected and cured if caught on time. He was right. Only fools argue with reason. I’m no fool.

As prep for a colonoscopy you are required to stop eating two nights before the procedure as well as most foods I regularly eat up to three days before. I knew I’d have a hard time sustaining my active life style using only “clear” apple juice as fuel, which is not even available in its purest form anywhere. The apple juice you find on the supermarket is what my father used to call “agua-‘e-piringa”. The one crucial prep-step was drinking 64 ounces of the most disgusting liquid laxative plus an over dose of other purgative pills. Gee –what are these people thinking!

I don’t think the prep-sheet instructions take into consideration that some patients don’t require that much laxative to “clean” their colon or patients whose stomach isn’t equipped to manage that type of stress. I considered not following the instructions –abort the pre-process all together – Cntrl-Alt-Del; but my wife insisted that I did comply with the written instructions. Again, can’t argue with reason, can you? So I followed these prep instructions to the t; 4 pills followed by 8 oz of that utmost disgusting arsenic-like and metallic testing laxative every 15 minutes.

As it is, I’ve never been able to freely just eat anything or in great quantities without experiencing nausea or stomach discomfort. Swallowing that entire excessive amount of laxatives caused –as expected- stomach pain and nausea. Now that my stomach has simply shutdown, I couldn’t even drink water all while emptying my bowls every 5 minutes even though there was nothing to evacuate but clear- yellowish water time after time.

That night I went to bed not even feeling hungry only to wakeup at 2AM with an almost unbearable stomachache. At 2:30AM dizzy, in pain, and totally drenched in sweat I decided to go to the ER. I concluded; this can’t be normal. Sweat was poring down my weaken body as in a sauna but felt cold at the same time. As much as I tried; while totally undressed but with the urgency of someone who is trying to escape death itself, I made feeble attempts to walk to the car with Nancy’s help who was to drive me to the ER; I didn’t make it out the door without collapsing to the ground.

By the time her 911 call brought the paramedics home, I was nude and completely gone laying in a pool of sweat. I faintly recall being tied to a stretcher inside the ambulance, my naked body shaking uncontrollably, soaked in sweat, my right arm plugged to an IV as well as many other cords attached all over my almost dead body. I think I was being asked why was I shaking and sweating like this –duh.

Once at the ER, I realized you could die of colon cancer or you could die while prepping in order to catch the cancer before it kills you. As my father used to say when death was looking for but couldn’t find the bold-headed Wensislao: “como no encuentro a wensislao; me llevo este cocopelao” –meaning fate will always find you.

With open arms I was ready to meet with my father that morning, but it wasn’t to be. Not today. By 5am I was completely recovered and ready for that senseless colonoscopy. Still could not eat or drink until after the procedure, but somehow – perhaps the IV’s magic- I felt almost normal –considering I have just cheated death.

As it turned out, the colonoscopy procedure itself only revealed what I already knew; that I’m in perfect health and just for the love of humanity and as long as it ever becomes possible, I may offer –as a donation- my colon once I ever do meet with my father and his father forever more. Yeap -that’s how good my colon is according to the good doctor –just not today.